Roller Coaster Day: Farewell to Zoe

Today has been an emotional day.  Annika is back in the PICU at Primary Children's, having undergone a flexible laryngoscopy, microlaryngoscopy, and bronchoscopy with dilation and excision.  Those are a bunch of big words, but the surgery really isn't that serious.  For most children, it would be an outpatient procedure.  However, given Annika's extensive cardiac history, they wanted to keep her overnight in the ICU just to keep an eye on things.

The procedure went as well as we could have hoped.  Through the scope they were able to visualize the problem and do some things to correct it.  Right below her vocal folds there was a glob of granulation tissue, coupled with a posterior glottic scar.  This scar was preventing her vocal folds from opening all the way, which explains why it sounded like she was breathing through a straw.  Our ENT Dr. Park successfully removed the granulation and cut through the scar to open the vocal folds.  He then performed a balloon dilation twice to help open up the airway.  It's only been 8 hours since her procedure, yet she is already breathing SO MUCH BETTER.  We will need to come back in a month so they can do another scope and take another look.  If the scar tissue has reformed, they may need to repeat the procedure.  Still, we feel extremely hopeful and grateful.

As good as all of this news is, walking the halls of the ICU has been very triggering.  For the most part, I'm able to come back to Primary Children's without panicking, but this section of the hospital is different.  There is so much fear and anguish bottled up behind the double doors.  It's strange to walk past the room where she once clung to life on ECMO.  Watching her play Minecraft and eat sushi, you'd hardly believe it's the same child.  Still, it's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster.

The hardest emotions, however, arrived in a text from Adam.  "Today was the day we needed to say goodbye to Zoe.  After not being able to stand up this morning, the doctor confirmed her heart was starting to fail.  She had a peaceful goodbye with all the love Callie and I could give her."

As much as I wanted to hold it in, I just started to bawl.  We love Zoe so much.  Even though at sixteen years old, we knew this day would  come, I wasn't ready.  I'm sure the surgeon must have been confused as he spotted me weeping down the hall, having just delivered the news that the procedure went well.  I felt a bit apologetic about my tear-stained face as I cried over a dog that wasn't even my own, but as Callie once explained, Fur is Family.

I feel at a loss of words right now, so I'll just share the sentiments my Dad posted to the family text chain.

Dear Family,

I feel a real loss as well. Zoe was an exceptionally loving, loyal, and faithful dog.  I can see her in my mind's eye, glancing back at me, hoping I would take off her leash 4 houses away from home after walking her around the block.  She would then run free, at top speed, and wait anxiously at the inside garage door.  Once the door was cracked open, she would quickly move to her food bowl in the laundry room.  ... A dainty eater she was not.  ... She loved to cuddle, and bark at the lawn mower.  She would cock her head sidewise when I looked her in the eye. I really think she understood much of what I said.  She always did her best to acknowledge other dogs and love all people. She traveled well on our road trips, and to the dog parks too. 

She was not only "best of show" but also the "best of breed."  Not just a good dog -- a great dog.  She brought out the best in her family, and set a kind, uncomplaining, loving example.

I love her.  She matters.  She was a friend.  I feel like she tried to teach me quiet patience and consistency -- in robust health and also as she slowed down due to her age.  May God continue to bless us all with fond memories of Zoe's fine example.  She taught us a lot.  Bye-bye for now dear Zoe.

Zoe, I'll never forget the day we brought you home.  You were the cutest thing...

...from the first to the last.

Sleep well, friend.  We love you.

Before the Snow

Before the snow, before the snow...  Was there ever a time before the snow?  Right now it feels like the White Witch has taken over and we are stuck in the midst of an eternal winter.  Not that I ought complain.  Winter has its perks.  Brighton has well over 700 inches, and I spent a lovely day skiing with Christy and Eli today.  But still, I miss colors.

Most of these photos were taken while leaf-chasing in October.  I'm drawn to the changing leaves the way many skiers hunt fresh powder.  For this first hike, Callie, Eli and I headed up Mt. Aire in Millcreek Canyon.  We left before dawn so that we could watch the sunrise.  (Plus get to work and school.  You know, boring responsible stuff.)

The trek to the summit is absolutely worth it.

Golden.

My next golden hike was up to Gobblers Knob via Alexander Basin.  The aspens by the trailhead sucked me in!  In truth, it was a bit of false advertising.  While there were a few yellow patches, the leaves had already dropped for the majority of the trail.

While not abundant, the aspens that remained were glorious.

Gobbler's Knob is a tough hike.  Extremely steep in many sections, it rarely bothers with switchbacks.  Additionally, my trail guide underestimated the distance to the summit by a full mile.   According to my watch, I should have been nearly there by the time I reached this basin.  Obviously not.

The final ascent.

A sweaty selfie at the summit.

Feeling accomplished as I sign the log book.  It was fun to find the name of our friend and neighbor Melanie who summitted a couple weeks earlier.

Can I be real for a moment here?  As cool as Gobbler's Knob was, recollecting the journey up to it via Alexander Basin causes me extreme anxiety.  This past July, we hiked a mile up Alexander Basin as an entire family.  I have such a clear memory of Annika complaining about how her heart was beating too fast and hurting.  At the time, I was dismissive.  Since it was an extremely steep slope, I thought, welcome to the club, kid!  Everybody's heart is pounding.  In retrospect, the memory makes me feel nauseous.  I feel crippling guilt for not taking her complaint more seriously.  And then there are the what ifs...  What if she had collapsed then and there?  It's painful to imagine because it's so obvious what the result would have been.   

It's been more than three months since her cardiac arrest, and in most ways, life has moved on.  With the exception of her breathing issues, she seems to be doing remarkably well.  The doctor had no concerns at yesterday's cardiology appointment. Yet for Jason and I, Annika's health trauma remains at the forefront of our thoughts constantly.  It's hard to move on with the rest of the world.  It's difficult to accept, okay, I guess she's fine.  Because really, is she?  We thought she was completely healthy before, but obviously we missed some signs.  We live in fear of missing another important clue.

If I'm honest, we get very mixed signals.  All is well with cardiology--they don't need to see her back for another three months.  Annie is back in school, playing with friends and pestering us with pet requests.  Yet her breathing is SO labored and getting worse.  Tomorrow they are doing a bronchoscopy.  Normally this would be an outpatient procedure, but in Annika's case they want her to stay overnight, not just on the regular hospital floor, but in the Pediatric ICU.  That's obviously not a normal scenario.  Plus, let's not even get into the emotional trauma I felt upon learning that my child had been referred to Make-a-Wish.  

So when people ask me how Annika is doing, I always say that she's doing great.  Because really, she is!  Miraculously so. When health care professionals learn that she is a survivor of an out-of-hospital cardiac arrest who spent Christmas on ECMO, they are astonished.  Annika is every bit as witty, creative, passionate, strong, and warm-hearted as she ever was.  Most of the time she seems like a completely healthy child.  But is she?  Is she?  The truth is we really don't know.  The ambiguity leaves us feeling a bit lost.

I think blogging about hiking is especially hard for me because I have powerful recollections of sitting in the hospital next to Annika's fragile frame and thinking how our lives had changed forever.  I honestly thought it would be years before I would hike again.  I couldn't imagine a scenario in which I would feel comfortable leaving her long enough to slip up into the mountains.  Thankfully, I was wrong.  Ultimately, Annika's recovery has been so swift that it's been difficult for Jason and I to keep pace, and that's a pretty good problem to have.

***

Well, that was a hefty interruption, but what good is a blog if you can't use it for therapy?  Back to the hiking, here are Callie and I meandering up Buffalo Peak in Utah County.  It's an easy hike--just be prepared for the dusty gravel road you travel to get there.

Sisters are the BEST.

On the way back we drove the Alpine Loop to spy on the aspens.  Have I ever mentioned that I LOVE the changing leaves?   Maybe once or twice...

Still hungry for more color, I went for a long run along the Pipeline Trail.

Gorgeous reds.

So tired and thirsty, but it was worth it.

 In truth, the most glorious red tree of the season was just a couple houses up from ours.  Such beauty!  (Spoiler alert--this hue matches the semi-permanent dye Talia used last night.)

While not an exact match, this flaming sunset likewise reminds me to Talia's hair tones.

These pictures were taken on a youth hike up to the lime kiln--one of Bishop Wright's last activities.

Can't forget the photo by the U!

Moving along, this next set of photos came from a short hike Annika and I took up Millcreek Canyon.  

We might have hiked farther, but the trail got pretty snowy.

Love this pup.

We had so much fun that when NomiAnn and Papa Kay showed up a couple days later we headed back with them.

Fall really is fantastic.

A couple indoor pictures as well, just for fun.   In the first you can see the sweet little peacock dress that NomiAnn made.  In the second you can see the sweet little Judd that Papa Kay cuddled.

Last but not least, fall frisbee!  Here's Brooklyn at their state tourney.  The glitter is just adorable!

Hanging with her bestie Lily.

Annika tagged along and enjoyed some sparkles of her own.

I love this picture!  This is Annie hanging with Shannon's husband Kev Wilson.  They are admiring pictures of Mitch's bearded dragons Boomer and Spitfire.

Eila and Anders even dropped by to cheer the girls on during their rainy game.  Go Krakens!

And then, the snow.  It hasn't stopped since!  During the time it's taken me to write this, Brighton announced that they are extending the season to MAY 29th!  Completely unprecedented.  But definitely a win for my injured hubby who would love to get back on the slopes.